I have that one moment when I feel overwhelmed everytime I try to voice my opinion which I think there is nothing wrong with it. Sometimes I end up asking people again even after what I did. For example, my best friends. I ask them to validate my emotions and what I just did. Did I do something right? Were the things I did right? Am I overreacting? Is this the right thing for me to do? Do you think I should stay calm about it all? There are pros and cons to it and if it’s more towards the cons, I’ll feel upset, stressed, and overthinking. I vividly remember that my body feel exhausted, I cannot sleep in a peace, and my mind keep ruminating for certain things.
Unfortunately, in Asian culture, most of us tend to be quiet about everything that happens in our lives. We have a feeling that if we try to speak up, there will be some people who will hate us and we overanalyze in our minds that people will look at us differently. That’s quite normal. However, let me stress this to you, there is nothing wrong with speaking up. There is nothing wrong with standing up. And there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing for yourself.
For many of us, it’s easier to advocate for others than it is to speak up for ourselves. However, when we don't speak up for ourselves, we erode our sense of self-worth. We become engaged in a cycle of rationalizing behavior that takes us further away from our values and — ultimately — away from the person that we want to become.
At its heart, speaking up is really a conversation regarding boundaries. The uncomfortable feeling that you associate with needing to say something (even if you’re afraid to say it) is called "cognitive dissonance." Cognitive dissonance is the psychological term for the mental distress that arises when you’re trying to balance two conflicting thoughts, feelings, or values.
When you feel that you need to speak up, you instinctively feel that a boundary or value that you hold has been violated in some way. However, the desire to reinforce the boundary comes into conflict with another value: the desire to be accepted. This can be especially strong in close relationships or at work, where the stakes are high.
I remember the book that I just read, The Only Constant by Najwa Zebian. The reason why we feel overwhelmed, stress over something, and overthinking are because our body not get used to it. We already feel accustomed to the habits that we do and out of the blue we do something that is not aligned to our value. We feel as if there is something wrong. We feel we get out of our comfort zone. We feel like there is something not right over here.
Another addition is, there are some people who have a personality trait as a "people pleaser." They are afraid once they speak, their words will hurt some people and other people will leave them.
Then why are we afraid of speaking up?
According to psychology things,our brains don’t differentiate much between emotional danger and physical danger. Whether it’s a saber-toothed tiger or a “We need to talk,” our sympathetic nervous system (the part responsible for the “flight or fight” response) kicks into high gear.
What we’re responding to is the social threat or the concern that we’ll have to choose between being accepted by our peers and what we personally find unacceptable. When we stay silent in the face of that cognitive stress, however, the consequences don’t just disappear. Instead of causing damage to our social standing, we simply internalize the emotional fallout.
However, there are 3 things that I think are the starting point for why we are afraid to speak up:
Childhood Experiences
The brain receives stimuli from one’s surrounding atmosphere. Based on parental teachings, childhood is the earliest time someone forms an opinion. Then, friends, co-workers and even social media play a role in developing emotions — and the brain takes that information and forms opinions, said Chiconia Anderson, a therapist at Pepperdine’s Counseling Center. If we were ridiculed, yelled at, or abused for speaking up as children, it can be difficult to advocate for ourselves and our needs as adults. Often, examining our relationships with our parents and siblings provides important insights into our communication styles as adults.
Spiral of Silence
In the study of human communication and public opinion, the theory that people’s willingness to express their opinions on controversial public issues is affected by their largely unconscious perception of those opinions as being either popular or unpopular. Specifically, the perception that one’s opinion is unpopular tends to inhibit or discourage one’s expression of it, while the perception that it is popular tends to have the opposite effect.
Criticisms
We all know that expression of opinion comes with criticism. It is inevitable that some people are afraid of these because they tend to have vulnerable hearts. Or maybe some of us are afraid of judgment. I, myself, have tried to voice out my opinion and had regrets after doing it. After I confidently posted my thought about a certain issue, I received comments and I started to feel bashful. We all understand that some criticisms may be constructive or destructive, but regardless of how it is delivered, we can still be afraid because we’re just starting to learn how to accept it. But let me tell you that criticisms are actually good. Some of them helps us to grow and learn something. As the saying goes, “If you’re not open to criticism, then you’re not open to truly growing as a person.”
For the last, I just want to remind you about the things that we did after voicing our opinion,
Most People Don't Care About Your Problem
Let me tell you one thing, most people don't actually really care about your problem. They may look care, but the truth is, they only curious for certain things. Most people don't want to take a risk and be involved in our problem. So we don't need to be too oversharing about our problem unless it is our people whom we trust with.
There's No Guarantee They Won't Talk Bad Behind You
Unfortunately, there are some people who cannot take the words or opinion of us and that's totally fine. We can never ever control about what people did but we can control our attitude and emotion. Stop feeling small and ruminating over things that you're standing for.
It's Okay to Speak The Truth Eventhough It'll Hurt Other Party
if you want to live an authentic life and have meaningful relationships, psychological health, and spiritual freedom, organize your life around what is true. With a little tact, telling the truth does not have to amount to being mean or bad; it is simply conveying what is and using your reality as your north star. The more your motives and actions parallel your authenticity, the more you are empowered to create the life you want. You must face pain or disappointment, allow truth to be the ground beneath your feet, and move forward not based upon what you should do, but what you want and need.
There is no simple answer to whether we should tell the truth even if we know it might hurt the other person. Different people may have different opinions and perspectives on this issue. Some may argue that telling the truth is always the right thing to do, regardless of the consequences. Others may suggest that sometimes lying or withholding the truth is justified, especially if it can protect someone from harm or pain.
Anything you lose by being honest, you never had in the first place.
Trust Yourself More
If you have low self-trust you might second-guess yourself constantly. You may worry so much about making the wrong decision that you can’t make decisions at all. You might rely on others’ opinions instead of your own.
To start building trust with yourself, consider exploring your values, boundaries, and skills to remind yourself of what’s important to you. Reconnecting with yourself can also involve listening to your own needs, making time for self-care, and practicing being kind to yourself.
By strengthening your connection with yourself, you may also gain renewed confidence and self-esteem. It may not be an easy process, but the more you practice trusting yourself the more naturally it’ll come to you.
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